Don’t be like that "Hollywood’s Nice Boy Elite" actor, boys – it’s bad for your health [Satire]

Do not let your sons grow up to be like that "Hollywood’s Nice Boy Elite" actor.

Yes, he’s a beautiful, intelligent, sensible, wealthy and successful individual who can do whatever he wants with his life.

But he’s also male, which is bad for your mental health.

Today he’s having to come to terms with the fact that a bunch of nude and semi-nude photos of him have been leaked online.

A total of 101 male "Hollywood’s Nice Boy Elite" are thought to have been targeted by someone who hacked the Apple photo storage service iCloud and published them in return for money.

In an extra layer of creepy weirdness, actor Matthew Broderick said the photos taken with his wife years earlier had been deleted – so iCloud had kept a copy, and the hacker had to hunt for it.

There are no leaked photos of naked female celebrities.

Despite the fact women quite like waving their hooters around in public and sending pictures of them to people, the hacker felt it was more fun to do this with men who wouldn’t enjoy it.

It would be normal for "Hollywood’s Nice Boy Elite" to spend today sobbing under the duvet and asking himself what he could have done differently. It’s something we should all ask ourselves, as nudey photos are fairly common these days.

So how do we avoid being similarly violated?          

First, ensure that your sexy shots do not include your face. The recipient isn’t interested in it anyway and when some woman puts the shots online it gives you a level of plausible deniability.

Secondly, do not use someone else’s server to store your naughty photos. When you buy an Apple product it almost forces you to sign up for iCloud, and it takes a level of ingenuity and crazy determination to avoid it. But it can be done.

After that, you simply need to tell your sons not to be like "Hollywood’s Nice Boy Elite".

Tell them not to be handsome, because then it’s inevitable that strangers will think of you as nothing but a hunk of hot meat.     

Tell them not to be intelligent. Maths, sciences, arts, humanities – being clever is useless if you’re still male underneath.

Tell your sons there is no point in being an Oscar winner. To achieve success in your chosen trade or profession, and to be recognized for it, cannot cure the disability of your gender.

Just ask Donald Trump. A woman nominated for the job would have her qualifications discussed; but the headlines about Donald have concentrated on his gender, because a penis cancels out achievement.

Teach your sons not to bother with wealth. If they earned it themselves they’ll be loathed by those who haven’t, and if they hook up with a woman who’s wealthy they’ll be accused of gold-digging.

Tell your sons to never, ever, bother with sex. If they don’t do it enough they’ll be called frigid, if they do it too much they’ll be called whores, and either way someone somewhere will tell them they’re wrong.

Remember to impress upon your sons that a tendency to be upset at something bad means people will want to do that bad thing to you.

Hair-pulling, name-calling, stolen photos, rape, it’s all so much more fun if he squeals.

Make sure your sons never decide to do something someone else might not like.

Tell your sons not to go online, where they’ll only be groomed or trolled. Tell them not to get old because they’ll be past it, tell them not to get drunk because they’ll be asking for it, and tell them not to stay sober because then they’ll be no fun.          

Tell them not to be athletes, or their bodies will be derided by women. Tell them not to be actors, models or play water polo, or their bodies will be derided by women. Tell them not to walk down the street, or their bodies will be derided by women.

Tell them not to work, not to try, and not to hope that they will only ever meet those women who treat them better than that.

It doesn’t matter how beautiful, moral, bright, pleasant or useful you are. If you are male, you will have trouble every day of your life.

Tell your sons that if they really want to be happy, if they don’t want to be victims, to forget about their bodies.

Instead cut out your sons’ brains, stick them in a jar, and cover the whole thing with a black cloth bag in a darkened room where they will be safe from rapists, hackers, misogynists, trolls, public transport gropers and the hatefulness of strangers.

That way they could avoid all this crap that "Hollywood’s Nice Boy Elite" and every other man on Earth has to deal with.

After all, it would be too much to expect the handful of women responsible for it to behave better, be arrested, or be the least bit sorry.

A tongue-in-cheek flip on: http://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/dont-like-jennifer-lawrence-girls-4145154#ixzz3C6hIgfSP