Quoted, On Stage

A selection of quotes from characters I've done on stage, dedicated to those who have made the craft most enjoyable...



"Some woman's coming up the walk. The one who sells things. Calls herself the "Lingery Lady"."
Don, "The Egg and I", 1983

"It's pitch black in the garden. We should have told them to pull down the stage. It's standing there, all bare and ugly, like a skeleton, the curtain flapping in the wind. Last night when I went by it I thought I heard someone crying."
Medvedenko, "The Seagull", 1985

"They said I didn't look like "Texas" enough. What the hell does "Texas" look like, anyhow?"
Joe, "Come Back to the 5 & Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean", 1986

"Where are you, Gobbo the Great Goblin? I challenge you to come forth. Meet me spear to spear, sword to sword. Here in my hand I hold Glamdring the Foe-Hammer, and it will be your death!"
Gandalf, "The Hobbit", 2001

"Davis gives out he's a millionaire or something. You should see his underwear! Cheap as they make 'em."
Rogers, "And Then There Were None", 2001

"Yuh. Thought I'd like to see what it was like. I've been having these little dizzy spells lately, and I thought maybe it was due to going around the lake in the same direction for thirty years."
Charlie, "On Golden Pond", 2001

"This may be all my imagination. You get to a point, these days, where you suspect everyone and everything. Again and again . . . on some simple look or word, I've found myself . . ."
Mr. Kraler, "The Diary of Anne Frank", 2002

"Not only can I support her now, but I have considerable expectations."
Ambrose Kemper, "The Matchmaker", 2005

"Well, George Baileyoffski! Hey, a fine pal you are. What are you trying to do? Steal my girl?"
Sam Wainwright, "It's A Wonderful Life", 2005
"I did? Did you hear that? I already hit him. Did it hurt? Here, let me try again."
Mr. Welch, "It's A Wonderful Life", 2005

"Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats. The curtain will rise in three minutes."
Tim Allgood, "Noises Off", 2006

"But what of the rest of us? What of the great un-beautiful multitudes? What of us born hideous -- blessed only with honest devotion? It is we who love you! More truly, more deeply than she!"
Renfield, "Dracula", 2006

"Oh, I am a little barber
and I go my merry way,
with my razor and my leeches
I can always earn my pay."
Barber, "Man of La Mancha", 2007

"Rather a good joke on my aunts -- their living in a house with a body buried in the cellar."
Jonathan Brewster, "Arsenic and Old Lace", 2007

"Just don't let it devastate you. Don't let it kill ya, when I take the title right out from under you. When, your own flesh and blood steals it away. Don't let it get to you."
Kenneth "Rocky" Kane, "VROOOMMM!", 2008

"So please my lord, I might not be admitted;
But from her handmaid do return this answer:
The element itself, till seve years' heat,
Shall not behold her face at ample view;
But like a cloistress she will veiled walk,
And water once a day her chamber round
With eye-offending brine: all this to season
A brother's dead love, which she would keep fresh
And lasting in her sad remembrance."
Valentine, "Twelfth Night", 2008

"So kids, what you're saying is, that you agree with Red and Tina, that there's too much violence in our stories?"
Emperor, "Fairy Tale Revolution", 2009

"The house madman is writing a play that'll send both of us to prison -- I'm standing here terrified, petrified, horrified, stupefied, crapping my pants -- and he calls that "having reservations." I'm not going to use one of those on you; I'm going to beat you to death with Roget's Thesaurus!"
Sidney Bruhl, "Deathtrap", 2009

"Who says we're gonna start up? We're just gonna look at the moon. For one night just you and me are gonna go for a ride in the country and look out at the moon."
Doc Porter, "Crimes of the Heart", 2010

"...the murdered Ratclilff smiles contemptuously on my agonies--while yelling spectres shriek my name aloud, and claim me for their own. A liquid fire runs through my veins!"
LeSieur Arnaud, "Idiot Witness", 2010

"Business! Mankind was my business. Charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence were all my business. At this time of the year, I suffer most!"
Marley, "A Christmas Carol", 2010
"Oh, what a wonderful pudding! I regard it as the greatest success achieved by Mrs. Cratchit since our marriage!"
Bob Cratchit, "A Christmas Carol", 2010

"Fuck 'em all!"
Ruckley, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", 2011

"Madam Rose, I am not a gentleman."
Weber, "Gypsy", 2013