i'll leave the light on...

Re: REUNION

01 June 2009

Greetings.

My decision not to attend this gathering for the most part has to do with the kind of environment I've tried to silently endure in the past. Even though it has been made undeniably clear that folk don't agree with who I am, I wish y'all could set it aside and try to begin understanding things from my vantage point. What is usually meant to be a fun, social occasion for our whole family has become a burden, an especially painful one.



Putting myself into an environment where I know others feel it necessary to judge anyone outside the "normal" box just creates a time of torment, not one of joy and reunion. I am not obligated to enter any setting which is hurtful. I know some of you don't agree with who I am. I can understand your fear of that which you can't understand. I get that. I don't agree, but I get it, you've made your points time and time again.

All I ask that you comprehend is that I've come to a different understanding. One in which I know that I am experiencing God's grace as a Christian AND as a gay man. That is something I (and many denominations, churches and individuals) have come to terms with. God's grace is deep and mysterious. And the comments and actions I've been subjected to over the years will not change that superb understanding, ever. Some actions are blatant, others are carefully subtle.

More than anything I would enjoy a great and relaxing weekend with family -- laughing, joking, and loving one another. In fact, I need it, as all people do. But it's a two-way street. Conversations shouldn't be stifled. All these years some of you have been unable and/or unwilling to put aside your differences with my orientation, my friends, or my life. I've hoped for you to welcome me with open arms as your happy, silly, caring brother Kevin. Simply because that hasn't happened, I've purposed to seek out only those few safe opportunities with just those select brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews who do want me in their lives unconditionally. Not the Kevin they wish existed, but the actual Kevin God gave y'all. He's here, with open arms.

Let me wrap up this email with a praise song that has always struck a deep chord in my heart:

Mark Schultz \ You Are A Child Of Mine

I’ve been hearing voices
Telling me that I could
Never be what I wanna be.
They’re binding me with lies,
Haunting me at night,
And saying there’s nothing to believe.
Somewhere in the quietness,
When I’m overcome with loneliness,
I hear You call my name.
And like a father You are near
And as I listen I can hear You say

Chorus:
You are a child of Mine
Born of My own design
And you bear the heart of life.
No matter where you go,
Oh, you will always know
You have been made free in Christ.
You are a child of Mine

And so I listen as You tell me who I am
And who it is I’m gonna be.
And I hang on every word,
Knowing I have heard
I am Yours and I am free
But when I am alone at night
That is when I hear the lie
You’ll never be enough
And though I’m giving into fear
If I listen I can hear You say

Chorus

I am calling…
I am calling…
I am calling…

Chorus


For now,
Kevin